Workshop Trolls

My woodshop is my place of refuge. This is the place where dreams are manifested, where trees become cabinets and scraps become toys. I can also spend all day there doing nothing and at the end of the day have nothing to show for it. But I feel good about it and consider it time well wasted.
However, the older I get, the more I have to deal with a strange phenomena of misplaced tools. I don’t worry too much about an item that I might have used last month or last year, I find myself losing track of things that I am currently using on a project.
In my woodshop, a bright yellow tape measure has a bench life of about 30 minutes before it disappears within feet of me. Pencils last long enough to make about three lines for sawing.
To counter this, I try to keep a good half dozen tape measures and twice as many pencils on hand during any given wood project. When I have exhausted all of the replacements, it’s time to go in the house .
These illusive items are sometimes found later hidden between two boards or buried under the sawdust on the floor. These things and others often find themselves in my scrap bucket or even into the house, days later, covertly stashed into one of my sweatshirt pockets.
It’s almost as if there is a band of trolls hiding in the wood rack just waiting for me to turn my back so they can pull their tricks.
I suppose it could be a simple matter of forgetting but really, I pay very close attention and if I have actually forgotten anything in over fifty years, I certainly don’t remember it.
For verification, I will occasionally recall events or details with my wife, who will freely admit that we both naturally remember things differently, however, she will further point out that her version is always the correct one.
Well, I see the trolls have stashed a tape measure behind this computer. I am not letting go of the mouse.

Big Game Hunting

A lot of folks will tell you that you have to be, as Elmer Fudd would say. “Verwy, verwy cwafty”, to get a deer. Well, I feel pretty crafty if I can miss a deer in the early morning hours on my way to work. It’s not as though I’m sneaking down the road in my stealthy bright red anti-camouflaged ford pick-up truck with the radio blaring.
It could very well be that these rascals simply know when we are not packing a weapon, and taunting us is somehow a kind of game for them: sort of like hunting.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I am all for the hunter and for all of the conservation reasons behind the sport, but really, is it as much of a challenge as it could be?
Consider this: I’m standing here looking out my back door at a yard full of shallow tunnels, mini-mountain ranges and mud piles, proof positive of an alien invasion. Any one who has ever tried to destroy this cloaked enemy of civilized landscape will tell you that there are few greater challenges in the predatory arena. It is an ongoing battle of winner takes all, to thwart the efforts of that lawn-tilling varmint: the mole.
One could go to the sporting goods store and spend a ridiculous amount of money so that he could look like a bush, but this prey does not need to see us, it feels us when we move.
I could get a high powered rifle with a big scope that can see Jupiter’s moons, but the mere discharge of that personal cannon can make cell phones all over the neighborhood automatically dial the police station. And if I miss, I’ve just dug another hole.
So I set traps, and I wait. And I wait… and I wait some more.
Occasionally, I score a direct hit, and when I do, I feel like throwing my kill onto the tailgate of my truck, and having my picture made for the newspaper with my orange hat and my garden hoe in hand.
So, my brother just got an eight-point buck.
Big deal. It’s not like getting a mole.